THREE DECADES AND ONE.
Intros & Retrospection…
Look at me, I am three decades old now, three flipping decades on Earth, and… I am still trying to figure out myself, still asking the age-old question, “Who am I?”.
You see, the truth is, I know what I want and the things I need to get by (at least to a relatively good degree). I, however, struggle, I struggle with what will sustain the life I want or rather, need. Mostly because of the school of thought I have been brought up with or the path that I have chosen (I don’t know).
For the first two decades of my life, things have been mostly dictated to me (you know, this whole system of the ‘‘do what you are told’’ mantra and the sort), but I have always wanted to go by my conviction, test the waters, understand what works and what doesn’t. Experiment as much as possible till I get to where I am satisfied (I never really got much of that).
If there is anything I know about myself so far, it would be that I am a creative person, who enjoys, yet dreads the art of expression, primarily because of the idea that I often feel like I am not enough to be in the face of the world doing whatever measly display of genius I can surmount. I can be very thorough with my approach to getting things done and at the same time be quite unorganized.
Having toured different paths in my pursuit of purpose, although still at it (haha shocker, ay?), always filled with solid ideas that rarely see the light of day through me in a lot of cases, but tend to become a thing after communicating it to (as I have grown to learn) the wrong audience for months, years, I find that when it does eventually become a thing that everyone is finally following, I tend to lose interest and, I want to move on to the next thing.
I have proceeded to tour another path and at the junction where I want to do the things that make me tick… The problem, however, is, that everything revolves around the entertainment sphere, and coming from someone who has had to go through all sorts of hurdles trying to catch a break, it constantly feels like a burden that cannot be borne (I’m overwhelmed!).
A little more detail…
To shed some light on things that define me; a big chunk of my life has been spent in the church premises. In this space all I yearned for was freedom, freedom to express (in the manner that truly reflected the God-ness in me), provided I had the means to make these dreams come to life (you know resources and all). I started as a dancer and performing stunts picked my interest, but I got limited by the unending echo and noise of how dangerous and unprofitable this path was. As years pass, I see my peers become phenomenal at it, some have made a name for themselves, and others have pivoted. The echoes were leaning towards the lack of a good health system in the country, “Nigeria”, which I’ll be most honest, really does suck, the whole system isn’t the best to write home about and one would think it would get better, unfortunately, that reality seems like a dream yet to be attained. Everything here is considered a luxury, especially things that ought to be basic.
There’s the constant reminder that one is just wasting life away in a place that doesn’t care until something is in it for them. So, it has bred ground for battles between being selfish and saving the world daily.
Regardless of the sad reality, I courageously began the pursuit of extreme sports, this pursuit has been a yearning, a burning desire since I was a child. Glad to see that it’s gradually manifesting, there’s however quite a lot of work yet to be done, especially as it regards educating enthusiasts in a bit more depth on the risks involved and how to navigate it without the never-ending worry of hospital visits; this and of course the structure that governs all forms of the operations.
And as for a matter rather dear to the heart…
The matter is quite a puzzle, it leaves me clueless at every brink of assuming a grasp of it. You see, I love love, like really love love, remember, I stated earlier that I, “spend a big chunk of my life in church premises…”
Well, with all the words I’ve absorbed from clergymen and, of course, doing my due diligence to follow the word of God as scribbled on thin wood, they say the walk of faith (the Christian faith) is a marathon, not a sprint. But the collective I’ve been surrounded with for most of my life seldom practices what they preach, which has been the cause of my ill-advised approach to understanding the term “love” well enough.
Humans tire me out, but as it is said, " They are whom we need to get by” (The Uncomfortable Life of Paradoxes). So, every step of the way, I try to the best of my capacity to manage engagements and expectations. However, this feat hasn’t been so much a yielding endeavour because it feels like the cycle never ends, and I dare say I’m at the point where I’m hungry, thirsty, and yearning for the END so badly.
Anyway, till when this end I seek eventually suffices, I suppose I’ll just have to keep pacing and figuring it out. One thing is certain though, I believe there is a God and Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour, but you see these “human beings!?”
I’m not sure I can deal anymore…
However, cheers to leading a Christ-worthy life.
This is to; Three decades and one, and many more to come.
